I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
