I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
