Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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