I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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