He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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