Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
