My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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