he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
