So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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