evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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