i may or may not be watching the land before time
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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