What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
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