there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
