Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
