I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i think i have two assholes
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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