Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
