There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
