So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
