I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My liver just had a heart attack.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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