i jhust puked up my retainher.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
