gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
