She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
