Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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