Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
