You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
