Betty ford says i'm here all night
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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