I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
