I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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