My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
