he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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