i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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