We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
