Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
