I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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