Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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