Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
