i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
