u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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