I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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