my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
