What a fucking waste of an outfit
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
