you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Randomize
