Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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