How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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