Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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