Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
