Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
