Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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