if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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