If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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